off topic

[Fozzles]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and
radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once
rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .
I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.
The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[momoaka]

m8

[Fozzles]

Some Jimmy Carr jokes

90% of teenagers suffer from acne, which is a good thing.
Think how high teenage pregnancy would be if some of them didnt look like pizzas

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move house...

The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles.
The above sentence is also true if you remove the word "moth".


Now that Gary Glitter has been released from prison, i wonder if he can remember To Sing....
After all she will be eight now

I answered the phone to a cold caller earlier.
It was my nan, asking that I pay her heating bill.

OXFAM - Getting money to build wells in Africa so that when they are done.....they can throw money in and wish for food.

Amy Winehouse is so full of drugs that when she goes to visit her boyfriend in prison, she has to be smuggled in up somebody else's arse.

When Diana died, all London got was a fountain...
Well, I suppose it's better than Paris. They only got a 'Slow Down' sign.

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

All these Americans talking about how we'd be speaking German if it wasn't for them.
How wrong can they be? We'd have never picked German up in 50 years, we'd still be walking around shouting loudly and pointing at things.

I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 just the other day.Eight of them from my girlfriend.But it's the two from my mum that really hurt....
__________________ Disclaimer.. I am not responsible for any humour on this page

[Fozzles]

Three blondes, hiking in the woods, came upon some tracks. The first blonde asked, "Are those deer tracks?" The second said, "No, I think they are moose tracks." Before the third could answer, they all three got hit by the train!